


Fear

by HiMiTSu



Series: Kurofai Week 2016 [3]
Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Angst, Day 3: Angst, KuroFai, KuroFai Week, M/M, Mentions of Violece, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 22:31:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8508043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiMiTSu/pseuds/HiMiTSu





	

Fear. Fear was in his blood, in his head, beating in his chest. It was an essential part of him, there all the time, coursing through his veins and poisoning his mind. His magic was drenched in it. Every word, every syllable of a spell and the tremble of his hand as he pushed the words out. Fear was something he carried for all his unfortunately long life.

Fai could never defeat it but he learned to live with it, hide and conceal, so that the others wouldn’t notice, so they wouldn’t ask. Fear was nothing.

Terror was worse. A panic that threatened to rise to the surface and break free. To overcome him. Crack the façade and expose the weakness in him. Fai had locked his horrors so deep inside, piling more and more on top, and polished the surface with a perfect mask. A pretty happy smile protected both him and everyone around from that abyss of trepidation at the very core of him. Fai had perfected that game, keeping a reign over terror and exposing a perfect smile. It was a precautious balance, a thin edge he walked like a skilled equilibrist.

It was perfect. It was unbreakable. It was impenetrable.

Until Kurogane.

Fai didn’t notice how it happened, when it started. Just one day he felt his breath hitch and his heart stop because he realized that Kurogane knew…He was so astonished, for a moment he had lost to his fear and his mask cracked. From that day onward it was a constant cycle; the mask always in place but the fear of been discovered piling up and up, building up on a foundation of itself and making it harder to keep it together.

He didn’t have to pretend as much in Yama and it was an unexpected respite. He kept silent most of the time and it helped, not needing to put cheer in his voice. On the other hand, some calmness allowed for another fear to dig his roots into his heart. Day after day, battle after battle, he couldn’t help it – his eyes seeking the familiar figure of the swordsman in the crowd of warriors and  a new fear seized his chest whenever Kurogane got a new blow. Fai covered this as well as he could, acting like a guardian from above, his bow always at the ready. It was new and strange to him, to fear for someone else. It was more inconvenient than usual. Fighting it though was fruitless.

After Yama it only got worse. There were nights when Fai, away from prying eyes of the kids and that burning inquisitive stare of Kurogane, allowed the smile fall and the exhaustion take over. He was so tired, from the fear itself and from how much will it took to control it. And Kurogane wouldn’t stop asking, hitting a nerve every time, beating Fai down with words alone. And it was so hard to stay angry with him, especially when it felt like along with breaking down his walls Kurogane actually offered something in return. If not safety, then protection, if not love than closeness. It was distracting and terrifying on its own.

Fai didn’t get the time to consider the unvoiced offer.

His world started falling apart all around him, first metaphorically, then literally. And there was nothing he could do anymore. The fear, bigger than Fai himself, had overcome him. The terror had ripped him at the seams until there was nothing left but a terrified boy clinging to his past. There was no reason, no thought. Just the fear and Fai belonged to it whole.


End file.
